it’s been a while since i stopped the daily writing reflections, and the quality of my mental states has most definitely deteriorated.
yesterday, in talking around this, aubrey and i briefly discussed the state of our garden/yard; she was saddened that i wasn’t taking part, opting to stay inside to study instead. approximating the content of our conversation;
me: “but i do offer! i ask to help nearly daily, we can plan it out in advance if you want…”
her: “it’s not about the help, i don’t need help with any of it; i want you to come out regularly, not to get anything in particular done, but just to see things persist and change. whether they change for the better, for worse… just to see that things change”
that definitely tickled something in me that i’ve been repressing hard for a while now: i’ve harbored a deeply personal fear of developing in any significant way, and focused instead on stripping down what elements i’ve come to perceive as psychologically risky. persistent projects have long triggered this panic response in me, but it’s time to kick that the heck out.
regardless of what the outcomes are, i do desperately need to start making things happen. whether they succeed or fail, it doesn’t really matter. i love learning and i learn by doing and i care not for accomplishment. i will learn by doing and i will continue